This is Scout. He looks so adorable, doesn’t he? Read on at your own risk. Children should be advised not to scroll down because of disturbing images below.
ADULTS ONLY — KIDS, KEEP OUT!
Between you and me (and the Internet), this is what I’d like to do to it –
or this…
or perhaps this…
And here are yet another couple of appealing options, not quite as violent…
or…
(That’s a freezer by the way. The refrigerator is far too cozy for him.)
We can always dream, right? Man, that dang elf was all the rage around here a few years ago, and it seemed like such a cute idea at the time. And I’ll admit that for about two days it was actually was cute. That was until I started waking up at 3 AM in horror, swearing in my sleep, “$#$%, I never moved that @*&%* elf.” And so it went, downhill from there like a snowball rolling down a mountain, getting bigger and icier all the way.
Why, why, why? Why did I ever start up with this wretched elf in the first place? It’s like playing Tooth Fairy every night of the week at the busiest time of the year. To clarify the Tooth Fairy has it SO MUCH EASIER, though, since she is supposed to find the tooth the EXACT SAME PLACE every time. Plus kids have only so many teeth. I used to think that Christmas cards were the bane of my existence, but the elf has taken the candy cane on that one.
The problem (or one of them) is that once you start with the appearance of the elf, you really can’t tell your kid(s) that your elf ditched him/her, moved away, or is in the elf heaven up in the sky. It’s tempting though — very very tempting indeed. However, the point of the whole dang thing is supposed to be about forming wonderful childhood memories for your beloved kids, not scarring them for life by off-ing of their beloved dang elf.
This year that dang elf somehow managed to pop out of a box before Thanksgiving. Needless to say, he wasn’t moving around. When Sam asked about it, Daddy Mac and I both told him individually (without even having to confer) that Scout doesn’t start up with his elfing duties until December 1. It’s a union thing.
Well, December 1 arrived — AAAK! We kept forgetting to move it over and over again until one night I woke up in horror, remembering the Tooth Fairy payout. (We missed that once, and that was not pretty.) So while I was up, I finally moved that pain in the you-know-what to another cheery locale. Sam was thrilled with his Tooth Fairy cash in the morning and commented with glee, “And Scout finally moved, too!”
Don’t look now, but there’s an elf in his classroom AND somewhere else in the school, too. That’s elf overkill if you ask me. To me the elf thing is the weakest link in the chain of the whole Santa story. There are too many appearances for too long and too much room for error. (That’s where I come in.)
All this elfiness has gotten Sam suspicious for the very first time. “Why does the elf have TAGS on it?” Good question! Shoulda cut them off! Daddy Mac saved the day, explaining, “That’s just to throw you off!” Then yesterday Sam asked, “Where’s the elf book?” When I looked at him blankly, he continued, “When you buy it at the store, you get a book with it.” Ugh!
Here’s a proposition for you all! How about next year we all band together and pinky-swear on a stack of Rudolph the Reindeer DVDs to trash out elves? You choose the means of destruction — trash, fire, firing squad, you name it, but get the job done! (Feel free to select one of the modes above.) Then we’ll all tell our kids the same story. “Santa had to call them all the elves back to the North Pole because they are so short-staffed up there!”
And it continues… “Kids, don’t you want your presents? Well, Santa has a budget, just like everyone else. So he’s got to cut back somewhere, so it may as well be the elves, not the presents, right? Plus you are sooooooo good that Santa doesn’t need to send any elves to spy on you! Way to go! Plus Santa gave me his direct-dial phone number so he will now get a report from ME! Time to clean the garage!”
LibbY
